| the past has held my heart too long. |
[10 Nov 2006|12:44am] |
This will be my last journal entry for livejournal.
It's too much to emotionally handle.
The past has held my heart to long.
Yes, people grow up and friends change but all the stuff that has happened through high school just haunts me. Losing all those dear friends over stupid shallow things... I don't know, maybe they weren't my friends in the first place. Everyone is talking about in their livejournals now how much they miss those times that we hung out in the parking lots on friday nights and drove arround looking for cars to rumble. I remember ordering papa johns pretty much everyday and playing that darn SIMS game and going from junior high to high school together.I remember finding you in the bathroom all fucked up and me taking care of you. I remember watching the meteor shower outside your house and talking about everything. I remember code pinks and how utterly ridiculous they were. I remember walking through the halls waiting to see you all every morning. I remember the car rides and all of us learning how to drive. I remember drivers ed with you. I remember going to dinner and you cutting your tongue on the glass that was in your ice-cream. I remember dressing up like super heroes and releasing goldfish into Wildcat Lake. I remember going to chill at Wildcat Lake. I remember Canada and that dance. I remember the dances. I remember skipping class to go do something pointless. I remember the movie nights. I remember tying that ridiculous giant raft to my Kia and driving it to the lake. I remember Coram Deo and praying my heart out while tears were streaming down my face with all of you. I remember paintballing. I remember the stars. I remember wrapping you up in your sleeping bag and carrying to your suprise birthday party. I remember you throwing me a suprise birthday party. I remember pizza hut breadsticks. I remember you playing Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls on the phone and I was sitting on her bed and I cried. I remember holding you in my arms as you cried at the golf course. I remember the stupid gifts we gave each other. I remember hearing The All American Rejects at your house for the first time I remember the plays and the drama. I remember walking past you in the hall and not saying a word. I remember that Easter with both of our families. I remember Tricia. I remember you holding me in your arms as I sobbed in the hallway. I remember making you laugh till you cried. I remember watching X-Men over and over cause it was the only movie we had. I remember your dad in his underwear with the boys that came over. I remember you shutting your head in the freezer. I remember thinking forever was forever. I remember the Freshman Dance and how excited we all were to go together. I remember ski school and cuddling on that bus. I remember being too scared to hold your hand. I remember wanting to tell you all my secrets but I didn't think you wanted to hear. I remember going to church every sunday and youth group every tuesday and on the inbetween days doing things we shouldn't have been doing. I remember doing circles in the junior parking lot with you on the roof. I remember being at that church crying my eyes out because of decisions we had made. I remember being at the church till all hours of the morning preaching to other kids in our dramas. I remember The Little Mermaid. I remember you telling me that you hated me --- when you use to say I was your everything. I remember curling your hair. I remeber sneaking out of our hotel room. I remember halloweens. I remember you coming to see me at the golfcourse and I could have said something then but I held back thinking you didn't want me. I remember the tube sock mafia. I remember thinking things would be different with him and they weren't. I remember summer camp together. I remember sitting at the park wishing you were next to me. I remember collecting all those stickers and balloons from the fair and putting the balloons out my sunroof and they flew away. I remember writing songs with you. I remember the shopping trips. I remember borrowing each others clothes and I'd stretch out your shirts. I remember practically living together. I remember sitting on your front lawn watching firetrucks come to your neighbors. I remember "the show starting." I remember buring pizza in your kitchen. I remember Yellowcard. I remember tent time. I remember Olay, French Fry, Evian and Burrito. I remember the videos we made of us being retarted. I remember going to the concerts and shows. I remember Delta Squadron. I remember the vacations together. I remember you turning The Godfather on at my 15th birthday and me being the only one who wanted to watch it. I remember sneaking into your boyfriends house for code pink and speeding away from his dad. I remember no one understanding why I was sick. I remember decorating each others cars for our birthdays. I remember marshmallow shooters. I remember thinking forever was forever. I remember going to see LOTR with you in Poulsbo with Lany and we cuddled on the couch, now we dont talk. I remember falling asleep at your house EVERY NIGHT that we watched a movie. I remember having my mom pick me up from your house. I remember bonfires and streaking. I remember pumpkin pie fights. I remember the fair and riding the kid rides. I remember the hot tubs. I remember the wakeboarding and intertubing on your lake house. I remember sitting in the undercover part of the park by your house and it started raining and we started again. I remember sitting on the swings with you, begging you to talk to me. I remember the drive in movies in the back of that SUV. I remember throwing pinecones at your neighbor's window. I remember cuddling with you on that couch. I remember sisters, big and lil. I remember Vacation Bible School and doing that skit, hoping you guys would still be my friends. I remember writing you letters and talking on the phone and begging you to give me another chance. I remember growing up and hoping that I'd get to take you with me - that we would all be mature enough to realize high school is ridiculous and all of us grew up in our own ways. But, you're gone. Things will never be what they were. All I can do is remember. And... I'm done.
Don't tell me you miss that - you don't know what missing is.
That's all.
Time to start some memories that I can hold on to.
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[26 Mar 2006|02:10pm] |
So last night, standing outside Rush's waiting to get in, and they decide to really live up to the 250 people only. We are right at the front when they stop letting others in. Everyone starts groaning and freaking out and I'm just like "Hold on." I call Carissa and shes at the back of the line. And to sum up the story, I go find her, we go find Leif, he gets us in as the "merch kids" and I get in to the show. We sat right on stage, right in the front and my knees are bruised heavily and Zach ran right into my face with his knee but it was amazing and worth it. Sigh, I'm going to miss Vendetta Red. I love Carissa and her damn connections.
It was brillant.
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[28 Feb 2006|09:58pm] |
THIS IS A PRIVATE PARTY.
MUST BE ON GUEST LIST TO GET IN, BITCHES.
DEAR JULIE PEREZ, UHMM THANKS BUNCHES. I LOVE YOU. I WILL GIVE YOU FREE ICE-CREAM WHENEVER YOU WANT FOR MAKING ME THESE SWEET INVITATIONS.
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| we got more bounce. |
[24 Feb 2006|02:41pm] |
THE LIMO COMPANY SENT MY MOM PICTURES.
HOLY SHIT, I THINK I MIGHT PEE MY PANTS.
PROM IS GONNA BE THE SHIZZ NIT.
I JUST NEED A DRESS...
AND A BOY TO ASK ME.
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[23 Feb 2006|01:49pm] |
WHO HAS A HUMMER LIMO FOR PROM?
ELYSE & I HAVE A HUMMER LIMO FOR PROM.
HEHE, THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES!
I GOT RESERVATIONS & ALL.
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[11 Feb 2006|11:05am] |
QUICK!
someone let me borrow $750.
I want JE to play my birtday.
sigh. im already way over budget.
but im still going to beg my parents.
"Oh Daddy..."
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| shit son. |
[07 Feb 2006|07:51pm] |
WHAT A DAMN GOOD DAY.
- COFFFEE O. IS MINE! SATURDAY NIGHT, MARCH 11th FOR THE CELEBRATION OF MY 18th BIRTHDAY. HOW AMAZING IT WILL BE & HOW UTTERLY STOKED I AM. 'SPECIALLY BOUGHT THE BAND(s).
- ZACH CALLED ME. HIS PHONE NUMBER IS NOW IN MY PHONE BOOK UNDER... ZACH!! I AM CALLING HIM BACK TOMORROW. HE LEFT ME A SWEET MESSAGE & I MADE MY MOM LISTEN TO IT & MY MOM SAID HE HAD A SEXY VOICE. THAT MADE ME LAUGH.
- CHRIS MELTON BROUGHT ME ICE-CREAM. MY FAVORITE, RASPBERRY SORBET WITH EXTRA RASPBERRYS & SPRINKLES. THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. I LOVE THAT BOY. SIGH.
- MY MOM IS GOING TO BE PAYING FOR MY TATTOO, I GOT A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR $100 FROM HER TODAY FOR IT. SAWEEET.
- I WILL BE CUTTING OFF & DYING MY HAIR, TUESDAY MARCH 7TH.
- I AM GRAPES IN THE THEATER PRODUCTION PLAY. YES, A GRAPE. I'M EXCITED.
- I HAVE A VALENTINE. BAM.
Besides one minor asshole, today was a good day. But screw him. It's not like he really cares about me anyway. Ha on you. See if I'm there to comfort you anymore.
<333
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| first day of the rest of our lives. |
[31 Jan 2006|07:49pm] |
Last semester of high school for seniors, goodness. I am still so not ready for this.
So today sucked major ass.
TO SUM IT UP:
- bitches in ALL my classes, i am going to bust a cap before the year is over.
- my tolo pictures weren't in, they are "arriving late"
- my mom told me that i might not be able to go to europe in june
- my mom told me that my birthday party might have to be delayed, what?
- i have to talk to my dad about getting my tattoos... soon.
- and people were little girls today when they should be big boys.
too much stress for me too handle, my anxiety can't deal!
so lucky for me i have a massage && chiropractor tomorrow.
see you all around 3rd period, love, love, love. <3
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[25 Jan 2006|11:20pm] |
I just realized that two days before we started talking & hanging out & being back to what we use to be, if you know what I mean... I was cleaning up good ol' Coldstone after a very long day of working & randomly I found on the floor the paper from a fortune cookie which read:
"Your dearest wish will come true."
How crazy is that?
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| its getting a little too close. |
[06 Jan 2006|04:39pm] |
I just called my admissions director for Academy of Art University & this weekend I will be sending my housing application & $500 deposit for that & I will be freakin' registering for classes already. Lord, that's so scary.
It's starting & it's real. I'm not ready to leave everyone but I am ready to get away. Does that make sense? This excites me.
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| over & out. |
[01 Jan 2006|11:50pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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"Wreck of The Day" - Anna Nalick |
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hell yah.
this year is going to be the shit
with or without you by my side.
nothing is going to bring me down.
( MY 2005 IN RANDOM ORDER. )
2006 is going to kick it in the ass though.
this year i graduate, finally.
& yes, i still don't want to talk about it.
thanks.
you kids will be dragging me down
the aisle to get my diploma at graduation.
i move to california in 7 months. kinda.
oh shizzz.
august 17th-ish.
i better not have to live in the international
dorm with all the asians & europeans.
i cant share bathrooms with foreigners. jk.
& today, i found out that i will be spending
july in europe. thats right, LONDON.
i will be living with one of my best
friends kelli in her apartment there
& we are going to paris & other places.
i didn't think my parents would actually
pay for a trip like this, but they are.
oh, and p.s. you are moving to california with me.
you know who you are.
what the hell am i suppose to do if you're not there?
yah, that's right.
start looking at colleges down there kid.
p.s.s. I wouldn't have made it to 2006 if it wasn't for Dayle Forness.
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[31 Dec 2005|03:19pm] |
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You know you shop at Nordstrom's too much when you get personal handwritten christmas cards from your "shoe boy". Oh, how I love my life.
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[30 Dec 2005|10:10am] |
taking a shower.
& getting ready.
& then driving.
& more driving.
& finding the courage.
& holding back the tears.
& then the moment of truth.
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| are you ready?? |
[18 Dec 2005|10:34am] |
FOOTBALL GAME.
CKHS FIELD.
1 PM.
BE THERE
& BRING FRIENDS.
CALL.
6201203. <3
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| REINDEER. |
[14 Dec 2005|10:22pm] |
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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| back home. |
[12 Dec 2005|03:30pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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music |
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Taking Back Sunday |
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California was fun this weekend! I got to see my little godsisters & my godmother. And some friends, but some people were just down right horrible but that's okay, cause he's nothing. Toured the dorms & found the one I want to live in. It's amazing & it's finally started to hit me that I will be moving down to San Francisco. Move in date is around August 17th, so those of you who are moving me, remember that. I wish you were more certain on being there with me. But, I love that city & I feel so comfortable in it & I think it will be fun & a new adventure for me. Okay, enough talking about this right now... it will make me cry.
Hmmm, so a lot on my mind today but I don't really know what to do about it. I could write it all down but I don't know what to say. I need to make some decisions soon though. And I don't really know what to do. Grrrr, this is a confusing thing. Blah.
Okay, so we were talking about this in food science today... what is with all these people getting married or engaged in high school? I don't get it. Like, if they want to do it, then go for it. But, personally... I'd like to live life a little & go to college before settling down. They are 18, I just don't see what the rush is. If you really love each other then can't you wait to get married? Ugh, I don't know. But, let me tell you something... if I get engaged or married this next year... you have full permission to beat me.
I don't know what else to write but I am going to unpack my suitcase & eat some food & figure out some things. La, I'm so happy we get 2 weeks off after this week.
& I might be going to California for New Years Eve. Any takers on going with me?
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[09 Dec 2005|06:14am] |
CALIFORNIA,
CALIFORNIA,
HERE I COME...
So I am horribly afraid of airplanes. Horribly. Like breathing in paper bag & counting out loud during take off kind of afraid. And I am flying alone. I think you should call my cell phone & tell me something happy today OR leave me a message if I don't answer. That would be nice.
my cell phone - 620-1203.
Okay, I love you. Have a great weekend!
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN BEWARD!!
& HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW TO DAYLE.
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