Inspiration_Gush

the past has held my heart too long.

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 08:44:21 GMT

This will be my last journal entry for livejournal.

It's too much to emotionally handle.
The past has held my heart to long.

Yes, people grow up and friends change but all the stuff that has happened through high school just haunts me. Losing all those dear friends over stupid shallow things... I don't know, maybe they weren't my friends in the first place. Everyone is talking about in their livejournals now how much they miss those times that we hung out in the parking lots on friday nights and drove arround looking for cars to rumble. I remember ordering papa johns pretty much everyday and playing that darn SIMS game and going from junior high to high school together.I remember finding you in the bathroom all fucked up and me taking care of you. I remember watching the meteor shower outside your house and talking about everything. I remember code pinks and how utterly ridiculous they were. I remember walking through the halls waiting to see you all every morning. I remember the car rides and all of us learning how to drive. I remember drivers ed with you. I remember going to dinner and you cutting your tongue on the glass that was in your ice-cream. I remember dressing up like super heroes and releasing goldfish into Wildcat Lake. I remember going to chill at Wildcat Lake. I remember Canada and that dance. I remember the dances. I remember skipping class to go do something pointless. I remember the movie nights. I remember tying that ridiculous giant raft to my Kia and driving it to the lake. I remember Coram Deo and praying my heart out while tears were streaming down my face with all of you. I remember paintballing. I remember the stars. I remember wrapping you up in your sleeping bag and carrying to your suprise birthday party. I remember you throwing me a suprise birthday party. I remember pizza hut breadsticks. I remember you playing Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls on the phone and I was sitting on her bed and I cried. I remember holding you in my arms as you cried at the golf course. I remember the stupid gifts we gave each other. I remember hearing The All American Rejects at your house for the first time I remember the plays and the drama. I remember walking past you in the hall and not saying a word. I remember that Easter with both of our families. I remember Tricia. I remember you holding me in your arms as I sobbed in the hallway. I remember making you laugh till you cried. I remember watching X-Men over and over cause it was the only movie we had. I remember your dad in his underwear with the boys that came over. I remember you shutting your head in the freezer. I remember thinking forever was forever. I remember the Freshman Dance and how excited we all were to go together. I remember ski school and cuddling on that bus. I remember being too scared to hold your hand. I remember wanting to tell you all my secrets but I didn't think you wanted to hear. I remember going to church every sunday and youth group every tuesday and on the inbetween days doing things we shouldn't have been doing. I remember doing circles in the junior parking lot with you on the roof. I remember being at that church crying my eyes out because of decisions we had made. I remember being at the church till all hours of the morning preaching to other kids in our dramas. I remember The Little Mermaid. I remember you telling me that you hated me --- when you use to say I was your everything. I remember curling your hair. I remeber sneaking out of our hotel room. I remember halloweens. I remember you coming to see me at the golfcourse and I could have said something then but I held back thinking you didn't want me. I remember the tube sock mafia. I remember thinking things would be different with him and they weren't. I remember summer camp together. I remember sitting at the park wishing you were next to me. I remember collecting all those stickers and balloons from the fair and putting the balloons out my sunroof and they flew away. I remember writing songs with you. I remember the shopping trips. I remember borrowing each others clothes and I'd stretch out your shirts. I remember practically living together. I remember sitting on your front lawn watching firetrucks come to your neighbors. I remember "the show starting." I remember buring pizza in your kitchen. I remember Yellowcard. I remember tent time. I remember Olay, French Fry, Evian and Burrito. I remember the videos we made of us being retarted. I remember going to the concerts and shows. I remember Delta Squadron. I remember the vacations together. I remember you turning The Godfather on at my 15th birthday and me being the only one who wanted to watch it. I remember sneaking into your boyfriends house for code pink and speeding away from his dad. I remember no one understanding why I was sick. I remember decorating each others cars for our birthdays. I remember marshmallow shooters. I remember thinking forever was forever. I remember going to see LOTR with you in Poulsbo with Lany and we cuddled on the couch, now we dont talk. I remember falling asleep at your house EVERY NIGHT that we watched a movie. I remember having my mom pick me up from your house. I remember bonfires and streaking. I remember pumpkin pie fights. I remember the fair and riding the kid rides. I remember the hot tubs. I remember the wakeboarding and intertubing on your lake house. I remember sitting in the undercover part of the park by your house and it started raining and we started again. I remember sitting on the swings with you, begging you to talk to me. I remember the drive in movies in the back of that SUV. I remember throwing pinecones at your neighbor's window. I remember cuddling with you on that couch. I remember sisters, big and lil. I remember Vacation Bible School and doing that skit, hoping you guys would still be my friends. I remember writing you letters and talking on the phone and begging you to give me another chance. I remember growing up and hoping that I'd get to take you with me - that we would all be mature enough to realize high school is ridiculous and all of us grew up in our own ways. But, you're gone. Things will never be what they were. All I can do is remember. And... I'm done.

Don't tell me you miss that - you don't know what missing is.

That's all.

Time to start some memories that I can hold on to.

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 22:05:21 GMT

So last night, standing outside Rush's waiting to get in, and they decide to really live up to the 250 people only. We are right at the front when they stop letting others in. Everyone starts groaning and freaking out and I'm just like "Hold on." I call Carissa and shes at the back of the line. And to sum up the story, I go find her, we go find Leif, he gets us in as the "merch kids" and I get in to the show. We sat right on stage, right in the front and my knees are bruised heavily and Zach ran right into my face with his knee but it was amazing and worth it. Sigh, I'm going to miss Vendetta Red. I love Carissa and her damn connections.

It was brillant.

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 05:53:37 GMT

THIS IS A PRIVATE PARTY.
MUST BE ON GUEST LIST TO GET IN, BITCHES.

DEAR JULIE PEREZ, UHMM THANKS BUNCHES. I LOVE YOU. I WILL GIVE YOU FREE ICE-CREAM WHENEVER YOU WANT FOR MAKING ME THESE SWEET INVITATIONS.

we got more bounce.

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 22:36:07 GMT

THE LIMO COMPANY SENT MY MOM PICTURES.
HOLY SHIT, I THINK I MIGHT PEE MY PANTS.
PROM IS GONNA BE THE SHIZZ NIT.
I JUST NEED A DRESS...
AND A BOY TO ASK ME.

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 21:43:52 GMT

WHO HAS A HUMMER LIMO FOR PROM?

ELYSE & I HAVE A HUMMER LIMO FOR PROM.

HEHE, THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES!

I GOT RESERVATIONS & ALL.

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 07:08:12 GMT

Suprises can be sweet. Flowers, candle light & Coldstone.

Chocolate Covered Strawberries.

I love this boy.

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 19:00:09 GMT

QUICK!

someone let me borrow $750.

I want JE to play my birtday.

sigh. im already way over budget.

but im still going to beg my parents.

"Oh Daddy..."

shit son.

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 03:54:10 GMT

WHAT A DAMN GOOD DAY.

- COFFFEE O. IS MINE! SATURDAY NIGHT, MARCH 11th FOR THE CELEBRATION OF MY 18th BIRTHDAY. HOW AMAZING IT WILL BE & HOW UTTERLY STOKED I AM. 'SPECIALLY BOUGHT THE BAND(s).

- ZACH CALLED ME. HIS PHONE NUMBER IS NOW IN MY PHONE BOOK UNDER... ZACH!! I AM CALLING HIM BACK TOMORROW. HE LEFT ME A SWEET MESSAGE & I MADE MY MOM LISTEN TO IT & MY MOM SAID HE HAD A SEXY VOICE. THAT MADE ME LAUGH.

- CHRIS MELTON BROUGHT ME ICE-CREAM. MY FAVORITE, RASPBERRY SORBET WITH EXTRA RASPBERRYS & SPRINKLES. THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. I LOVE THAT BOY. SIGH.

- MY MOM IS GOING TO BE PAYING FOR MY TATTOO, I GOT A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR $100 FROM HER TODAY FOR IT. SAWEEET.

- I WILL BE CUTTING OFF & DYING MY HAIR, TUESDAY MARCH 7TH.

- I AM GRAPES IN THE THEATER PRODUCTION PLAY. YES, A GRAPE. I'M EXCITED.

- I HAVE A VALENTINE. BAM.

Besides one minor asshole, today was a good day. But screw him. It's not like he really cares about me anyway. Ha on you. See if I'm there to comfort you anymore.

<333

first day of the rest of our lives.

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 03:44:00 GMT

Last semester of high school for seniors, goodness. I am still so not ready for this.

So today sucked major ass.

TO SUM IT UP:
- bitches in ALL my classes, i am going to bust a cap before the year is over.
- my tolo pictures weren't in, they are "arriving late"
- my mom told me that i might not be able to go to europe in june
- my mom told me that my birthday party might have to be delayed, what?
- i have to talk to my dad about getting my tattoos... soon.
- and people were little girls today when they should be big boys.

too much stress for me too handle, my anxiety can't deal!
so lucky for me i have a massage && chiropractor tomorrow.
see you all around 3rd period, love, love, love. <3

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 07:15:21 GMT

I just realized that two days before we started talking & hanging out & being back to what we use to be, if you know what I mean... I was cleaning up good ol' Coldstone after a very long day of working & randomly I found on the floor the paper from a fortune cookie which read:

"Your dearest wish will come true."

How crazy is that?

im ready for my close up. grr.

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 22:37:14 GMT

enclosed pictures: from school, of lauren's visit & senior skip day.

joyful, joyful.

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 23:06:55 GMT

monday was a choir conert.
what a boring concert it was!
thank god for digital cameras. <3

I LOVE THIS GIRL.
But, getting to the concert was an adventure, we got stuck in traffic, then got lost && our choir teacher gave us the wrong directions. Lordy. But, we listened to some Kanye West on the way so it worked out just fine.

it was a fun night, even though we talk too loud. ha.

its getting a little too close.

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 00:35:42 GMT

I just called my admissions director for Academy of Art University & this weekend I will be sending my housing application & $500 deposit for that & I will be freakin' registering for classes already. Lord, that's so scary.

It's starting & it's real. I'm not ready to leave everyone but I am ready to get away. Does that make sense? This excites me.

over & out.

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 07:48:01 GMT

In the year 2006 I resolve to:

Live Life To The Fucking Fullest.

Get your resolution here

hell yah.
this year is going to be the shit
with or without you by my side.
nothing is going to bring me down.

- Finding inner peace with Micheal for last New Year's
- Helping Jamie find "life"
- Surgery on my lip
- Appreciating the sunrises & sunsets while driving
- Roof sunsets & talks with Todd
- First D & D meeting in Princess hat
- Tolo in ballet shoes & princess tiara
- "Feet on the dash, the world doesn't matter."
- Theater Production. enough said.
- Superbowl "mock" game with cousins
- "Hope brought me towards you." - Josh Williams
- "Keep on fuckin' truckin." - Becca
- Lunch with Cerena.
- Drug reactions & animal noises in theater.
- Dayle in my car trunk & klahowya speed bumps.
- Running through Safeway with Dayle's pants.
- Ninja Turtle Movie Marathon
- Late night drives to 7-11 for slushies
- Mckenzie passed away after battling cancer.
- North Kitsap trips with Stephanie & Justin.
- Smily Face Cookies on sad days.
- Getting "Peg" in Making It.
- My 17th Birthday.
- March 13th, 2005. Heather Meadows killed by drunk driver.
- Day in theater with Kortnee, Justin, Robbie, Stephanie Clark, Abra, etc.
- Bathroom talk with Ashley Kierce
- Robbie designed my prom tutu.
- Spring Break - California.
- Prom with Chris & Denny's with Cerena.
- Having to change my cell phone number cause of stupid preps.
- BURNOUT 3 & too many hours playing it at Cerena's & Dayle's.
- "It's a fight to be happy." - Micheal
- "This too shall pass." - Todd
- Being sick from my diseases.
- MAKING IT.
- Kiss Me.
- Getting ready in our dressing room.
- Yellowcard songs with Lauren.
- Laughing till my face hurt.
- My favorite costume ever.
- "SPEED??"
- Stealing drinking glasses from Red Robin with Kelli
- Star Wars at midnight & falling asleep in the theater
- "Stand on the mountain & scream" - Jamie
- Putt Putt Golf
- Starbucks. Too many times at Starbucks.
- CAT AWARDS & winning Best Supporting Actress
- Seniors Graduating
- Last high school summer
- June 27th - First day of Treatment at Children's.
- July 4th - Fireworks
- Drive in & Uno
- O.K.K.A.L.
- First Job at Coldstone Creamery
- August 6th - VOTD show with Kelsi & Carissa in Cars
- Aug 15th - Accepted to Academy of Art University, San Fran.
- Princesses with Mom.
- Fair & Rodeo with Justin - 2 days in a row.
- Looking at stars.
- Baseball game with Chris.
- September 6th - First day of senior year.
- Longboarding & getting my first scar.
- Shari's with the boys - "My milkshake brings Tammy to the table."
- Locking Cerena's keys in car while off campus for lunch.
- Thrice & Underoath concert, falling asleep in the corner.
- WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE OUT.
- curlers in my hair for a freakin' week of school.
- DAYLE - "We're BRITISH."
- holding each other while we cried.
- nap time.
- finally yelling at that boy.
- making new friends.
- finding "chloe."
- learning who your true friends are.
- Stephen as Johnny Depp.
- Closing my head in trunk & going to hospital during school.
- November 28th - my first misdemeanor.
- December 9th-11th - California.
- "we get DOWNNNN on saturday night."
- "this cup is not big enough."
- "oly is such a little punkass."
- canoodling for old time sake.
- seeing where i will live for the next 4 years.
- my first football game.
- stupid fights with stupid boys at stupid shows.
- seeing Vendetta Red @ Carissa's show.
- holding you while you cried.
- Chicken Little with Dayle.
- food science & hitting Sean in the face.
- random shopping adventures with Amanda.
- becoming healthy from treatment.
- not being afraid to tell people how i really feel.
- realizing not to give out my heart too easily.
- discovering the person i want to be.

2006 is going to kick it in the ass though.

this year i graduate, finally.
& yes, i still don't want to talk about it.
thanks.
you kids will be dragging me down
the aisle to get my diploma at graduation.

i move to california in 7 months. kinda.
oh shizzz.
august 17th-ish.
i better not have to live in the international
dorm with all the asians & europeans.
i cant share bathrooms with foreigners. jk.

& today, i found out that i will be spending
july in europe. thats right, LONDON.
i will be living with one of my best
friends kelli in her apartment there
& we are going to paris & other places.
i didn't think my parents would actually
pay for a trip like this, but they are.

oh, and p.s. you are moving to california with me.
you know who you are.
what the hell am i suppose to do if you're not there?
yah, that's right.
start looking at colleges down there kid.

p.s.s. I wouldn't have made it to 2006 if it wasn't for Dayle Forness.

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 23:15:20 GMT

You know you shop at Nordstrom's too much when you get personal handwritten christmas cards from your "shoe boy". Oh, how I love my life.

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 18:06:22 GMT

taking a shower.

& getting ready.

& then driving.

& more driving.

& finding the courage.

& holding back the tears.

& then the moment of truth.

are you ready??

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 18:30:47 GMT

FOOTBALL GAME.

CKHS FIELD.
1 PM.
BE THERE
& BRING FRIENDS.

CALL.
6201203. <3

REINDEER.

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 06:18:15 GMT

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

back home.

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 23:40:21 GMT

California was fun this weekend! I got to see my little godsisters & my godmother. And some friends, but some people were just down right horrible but that's okay, cause he's nothing. Toured the dorms & found the one I want to live in. It's amazing & it's finally started to hit me that I will be moving down to San Francisco. Move in date is around August 17th, so those of you who are moving me, remember that. I wish you were more certain on being there with me. But, I love that city & I feel so comfortable in it & I think it will be fun & a new adventure for me. Okay, enough talking about this right now... it will make me cry.

Hmmm, so a lot on my mind today but I don't really know what to do about it. I could write it all down but I don't know what to say. I need to make some decisions soon though. And I don't really know what to do. Grrrr, this is a confusing thing. Blah.

Okay, so we were talking about this in food science today... what is with all these people getting married or engaged in high school? I don't get it. Like, if they want to do it, then go for it. But, personally... I'd like to live life a little & go to college before settling down. They are 18, I just don't see what the rush is. If you really love each other then can't you wait to get married? Ugh, I don't know. But, let me tell you something... if I get engaged or married this next year... you have full permission to beat me.

I don't know what else to write but I am going to unpack my suitcase & eat some food & figure out some things. La, I'm so happy we get 2 weeks off after this week.

& I might be going to California for New Years Eve. Any takers on going with me?

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 14:11:24 GMT

CALIFORNIA,
CALIFORNIA,
HERE I COME...

So I am horribly afraid of airplanes. Horribly. Like breathing in paper bag & counting out loud during take off kind of afraid. And I am flying alone. I think you should call my cell phone & tell me something happy today OR leave me a message if I don't answer. That would be nice.

my cell phone - 620-1203.

Okay, I love you. Have a great weekend!

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN BEWARD!!
& HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW TO DAYLE.

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 14:12:02 GMT

I pack tonight for Californ-eahhh & I will be leaving tomorrow morning. BUT, I am going to school for 1st & maybe 2nd period, but mainly just so I can give Dayle his birthday presents. WOOT!

I need to be careful not to say the word "bomb" tomorrow. There was some guy who said it on a plane in Miami and the air marshal shot him. That would suck. But, you know me. I'm sure something interesting will happen tomorrow when I travel.

california, here i come.

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 03:30:38 GMT

This time next week I will be sitting on top of my suitcase trying to get it to close! (I'm an overpacker) BECAUSE next friday morning I will be on a plane to California! Woot.

Micheal called me today, my friend in cali, and apparently my godmother talked him & myself & Becca, my other friend down there, in to taking five 12 year old girls to the movies & out for pizza & ice-cream in Oakland. This shall take place friday night, the day I fly down. If that doesn't sound like an adventure I don't know what does. Last time I was in Oakland I got a car stuck on the front Walgreens curb at 11 'o clock at night. Lord.

I also love the snow. And what made this day even more perfect was walking in to see a giant box from NORDSTROMS on my counter. Oh how I love my rich grandmother and how she sends me shoes or in this case... UGGS. I'm pretty stoked out of my mind!

& in other news. Something I need to just get off my mind. I dropped everything I was doing to help you & be there for you & listen to you vent & talk when you needed help. Now, I need your help more than ever but you cant seem to find the time to call me. What the hell? You seem to just want a girl who can go along with you. One who you can just fit in your schedule and not seem to deal with. First off, its not like were boyfriend/girlfriend... maybe if we were you'd care more. But we are friends, and in order to be a friend I'll be there for you, but you have to be there for me. That's what real friends do.

put that on my record.

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 03:45:09 GMT

I can't get into details here on livejournal because then giant rumors will circulate and everyone will hate me, but yah... it may not seem like it at school or when we hang out, but I'm not okay. This is my outcry for help.

Let's just say I've gone down a pretty bad path.

I am very depressed.

And in very big trouble.

If you pray, pray for me.

If you hug, come hug me.

If you like to listen, I could use your ears.

I'm gonna be okay and get through this,
I just could use your help more than ever guys.

let the words flow from my pen...

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 03:44:24 GMT

Many times today I have come to livejournal ready to type out all my feelings and everything on my mind. Sadly, it has been my outlet in the past but I can't do that now. This isn't the shallow high school drama anymore. This is meaningful and this is "real" life. I can't type it on here & hope for people's sympathy or kind words. I can't let people tear me down with their stupid anonymous comments.

So tonight, I will start writing. That's right.. with a real pen & some notebook paper. I'm just going to start writing about everything on my heart & in my mind. Everything.

I reached a point last night where I honestly thought I was going to explode with all the information I have been receiving. And I can't let myself get stressed cause then I will get sick. And I can't let myself get sad or torn down, because I'm better than that.

HELP ME.

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 19:46:01 GMT

Saturday morning - 7:30 am.
Kitsap Fairgrounds - The Pavillion.
FESTIVAL OF TREES.
Just feeding little kids &
basically being my bitch till 10 am.

I really could use the help guys
& you get community service hours
& FREE FOOD.

leave me a comment if you can help
or call my cell phone 620-1203.